Daily Archives: November 20th, 2012

QotD: “troubles with kink”

I’m addressing several posts that have come across my dash.

It’s like there is increasing acceptance of peoples’ weirdest fetishes at face value, instead of attempting to deconstruct WHY they have these fetishes and work on the underlying reasons. For example, WHY is someone a devotee (disability fetishist). WHY do they have a need to be dominated.

It seems to me that growth would come from finding out why and working on that underlying tendency, not just giving in.

Another problem is that kink/fetish sex seems to be indicating a growing desensitization to sex. Remember your first time, you didn’t need any bells and whistles, right? “zomg, it’s a real live naked person and I like them!” if your experience was a good one.

In my lurking of reuniting.info I discovered that a lot of people are increasingly unable to respond to normal sex; you have YOUNG MEN who now have erectile dysfunction. People who do BDSM play tend to want harder and harder play over time, you can be vulnerable to “leather butt”. Sex becomes about meeting an addictive need for stimulation, not about being with your partner. When it stops even being about sex, it’s IMO because it’s started to be about the endorphins and or power kick. You can be addicted to sub space to the point that it is detached from who is actually giving it to you.

Relationships seem to be increasingly about fulfilling an impossible sexual fantasy wish list. And “something is wrong” if your partner isn’t willing to carry out that wish list. You’re even told by assholes like Dan Savage that other people are required to humor your most ridiculous fantasies and a failure to do so is grounds for a divorce.

Btw, I’m not just some ridiculous prude, I say this as someone who has experienced this community and is familiar with it. I’ve BEEN in sub space, I’ve BEEN in dom space. I have submission triggers. I’m also determined to not let people find them because it’s not NORMAL OR HEALTHY to “ragdoll”. Rag dolling is a conditioned abuse response.

I became deconditioned from most of these responses, though a few still remain and i continually challenge them. Once I began working on the abuse issues that produced these responses, most eventually extincted.

I have found that opening up the capacity for so-called “vanilla” connection has actually produced my deepest connections where my “kinky” relationships and experiences were not intimate, I was just fooled into thinking they were. I also had no idea who I was or what I actually liked during my years of trying to be an open minded kinkster; during that time, there was so much element of trying too hard. I would get with men because of feeling pressured to be open minded, and limit my dealings with them to situations that didn’t have to actually involve intimate sexual contact. Thus it took me many years to even become aware that my normal default attraction is to WOMEN (with whom I needed NOTHING else except the woman, and an emotional connection).

Finally… Kink is very, very materialistic. It sure involves owning a lot of STUFF. And a lot of technical know how. There’s very little spontaneous and organic about it.

From The Fempire Strikes Back