“I was a victim of revenge porn. I don’t want anyone else to face this”

In February 2010, my ex-boyfriend, Joey (name changed) and I had a fight over a skirt I wore to work. He deemed the skirt too short. He shamed me, called me a hooker, and accused me of sleeping with all my male friends. After watching his jealousy and possessiveness steadily increase over our seven-month relationship, I was at my breaking point. We were over.

The day after the fight, Joey called me at 11:53pm. He was livid. He said he was looking on my Facebook page and from what he could see it was clear I was sleeping with at least three other guys. I tried to rationalize with him, to convince him he was mistaken. But he was too far-gone to hear me.

He threatened to start an eBay auction. If I didn’t tell him the truth about how many other guys I was sleeping with, he said he was going to auction off a CD of 88 naked images of me that I allowed him to take after three months of relentless pressure. He said he would send links to the auction to my friends and family, to people at the college where I teach. I shook with desperate fear. I knew no words would change his mind. Joey had flown into a rage, uncontrollable and impervious to reason. I knew my fate, and my only defense was to call the police. I begged and pleaded for him not to carry out his threat.

Then he said the words that would change the course of my life: “I will destroy you.”

I called the Baltimore County police and through my sobs tried to explain what was happening and why I needed help. The dispatcher sent an officer to my home who looked down on me as I explained that I wanted him to stop a threat. It was the first of many times I would be told, “There is nothing I can do. No crime had been committed.” And at that point, no crime had been committed. I was frantic over a threat, which to the bored officer was nothing to worry about. To me, it was a portent of the misery I’d soon suffer.

The auction went live the following afternoon. I received about three emails from eBay informing me that, “Joseph Mann thought you might like this item on eBay” The link read: (Name of college)MD English Professor Nude Photos!

Gorge rose into my throat. I gagged and ran to the kitchen sink. Then I shifted into damage control mode. Since Joey and I were still Facebook friends, I received alerts in my newsfeed that he had posted links to the auction on five of the college’s Facebook pages. I sent messages to the pages’ administrators explaining what was happening. I would learn in the weeks to come that a few students and at least three colleagues followed the links, logged into eBay, and saw the auction.

More emails arrived from friends, my ex-husband, and my babysitter. They had received the same messages from eBay and were concerned. I reported Joey for abuse on Yahoo!; I reported his Facebook page; I contacted eBay and told them about the auction. Damage control consumed me for at least 48 hours. I called the police and again an officer stood in my home, looked down on me and said, “Nothing we can do. No crime here.” I went to a local police precinct hoping someone else would know more than the cops I spoke with. I stood by fighting tears while three officers looked over the auction printouts I brought and snickered. The blond one who finally came over to talk to me seemed amused. It was my first experience with overt victim blaming. And because it came from someone charged to protect and serve, it drove my shame and embarrassment to a paralyzing level.

For over a year thereafter, even though the auctions were down, and I blocked Joey’s email addresses and phone numbers, I oscillated between panic and persistent anxiety. I would wake up at 3am and check my email, my Facebook page, eBay, then Google my name, a ritual I performed three times before I could settle back down. In September 2011, I was thrown into panic again after I read an anonymous email alerting me to an online profile that featured nude pictures of me.

I Googled my name, and there I was, on a porn website. The profile included my full name, the city and state where I live, the name of the college where I teach and the campus. There was a solicitation – HOT FOR TEACHER? WELL, COME GET IT! The site had been up for 14 days and had been viewed over 3,000 times. He was pretending to be me. There were “friends” who commented on my pictures. He was chatting with people as if it were me. My stomach hurt. I held my breath and printed every page of comments, all seventeen of them.

I snatched the pages from the printer and ran to my car. Once again, I would find myself being shamed, by the same officer from the year prior, and being told, “There is nothing we can do. No crime has been committed.” I explained to this cop that I was in danger of being stalked. My name was on that site. He said, “If anything happens, call us. Then we can do something.”

Afraid to be in public, I raced home and called the Maryland state police and the Baltimore division of the FBI. I left messages explaining what happened. Then I called my therapist who was treating me for symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder for the past year and cancelled my session. I was too scared to leave my house. She insisted I go on medical leave from work.

Another 48 hours were spent engrossed in damage control. A senior administrator at the college denied my request for medical leave, claiming that I perpetrated the incident. I had to make a case why I needed to go on leave. It was humiliating. I feared for my job.

That night, I sunk into despair so deep I felt nothing. Because of the permanence of the internet, and lack of legislation, this torture was never going to end. I seriously contemplated ending my life. I would have been successful if it weren’t for three things, my dog needed to be let out, my mom called, and the pills I took weren’t fatal.

Surviving the attempt wasn’t the turning point that pushed me to action. It was a conversation with a state trooper two weeks later who was assigned my case that did. He gently explained the current laws and the limits of those laws to me. I was frustrated and blurted out, “Well, then I’m going to change the laws.”
His reply was, “Annmarie, if you can do that, it would make my job a lot easier.”
So I set out to keep my word to the trooper, the first law enforcement official to show genuine kindness and compassion.

On 2 February 2011, I testified before the Maryland General Assembly’s judicial committee in support of Senate bills 175 and 107. Senate Bill 175 passed into law on 10 April 2012 and went into effect on 1 October 2012. The bill amended Maryland’s misuse of electronic mail statute to include all forms of electronic communication. It was a step forward, but a small one. There are still amendments needed, and they shall come in time.

I have since aligned myself with a coalition of powerful women who share my dedication to seeing legislation that makes revenge porn a crime passed in all 50 states. We are advocates, activists and legal researchers. As a result of my continued involvement with this issue, in September 2013, a representative from Delegate Jon Cardin’s office contacted me via the End Revenge Porn website where I am listed as the Maryland legislative coordinator.

Del Cardin invited me to provide input and testify in support of a new revenge porn bill that was being drafted and that was being introduced into the 2014 legislative session. Had this bill been in place in 2010, my perpetrator would have been convicted of a felony, and I would have peace that he would not exact such punishment on me or any other women.

Since I don’t have that peace, I still face some of the fears I did the day I first brought my case to law enforcement, but I have embraced my role as the voice for those who have not yet found their voices. And I will speak up.

Annmarie Chiarini writing for CiF