It’s not only the ‘dead eye’ shit that they enjoyed, it was because expressing any other emotion basically just made it difficult for them. I cried and I made it ‘difficult for them’, I showed anything positive and I was ‘mocking them’, both things that would ultimately make it worse for me.

There were a few occasions where I was expected to and encouraged to show any kind of emotion was during BDSM scenes when they clearly wanted me to cry and scream out and show pain, even if I’d been explicitly told not to, because at the end of the day, me showing emotion during BDSM scenes after being commanded not to gave them an excuse to ‘punish’ me further.

The other occasion was when they needed me to be… more involved. When they wanted me to be a ‘slut’ and a ‘whore’ and ‘enjoy’ it. I had to go from ‘sexy’, ‘come hither’ eyes to ‘dead eyes’ quite a lot. Which honestly wasn’t that hard. I got good enough faking it to get through the first part of scenes and zoning out and glazing over and becoming so dissociated whilst they were actually raping me happened so naturally that I pretty much always achieved ‘dead eyes’.

I haven’t really thought about this before, but it is really fucked up.

I think what’s even more fucked up is how it just really didn’t take me long to learn exactly what they wanted. I could tell within a minute or so of being with a client what it is that they needed and wanted to be able to get off or what was expected from various scenes.

Radsurvivor

(found via the Bewilderness)