What’s the best way to discuss the harms of BDSM with someone still in the scene?

1. I think the most important thing to remember is that you’re talking a human being who’s in a community where they’re expected to be subservient and brown nose all the time. They are in a community where men study aspects of psychological manipulation/learning theory and then warp it so they turn these women into what essentially amounts into an automaton bang maid that has no will or thoughts of her own.

2. You’ve got treat dealing with these women like you’re dealing with someone who has an addiction to illicit substances – it’s not a “choice” or a moral failing, it’s a mental disorder/disordered sexual development called a “paraphilia”.

Paraphilias typically develop after something fucks up during the childhood/adolescent development stage.

Most people who have paraphilias (whether male or female,) tend to have a high level of comorbidity with self-esteem issues, personality disorders, anxiety and mood disorders. Similarly, most sub women tend to have histories that are littered with physical, sexual and psychological abuse in the forming phases of their psychology and their identity.

Would you tell a woman in an abusive relationship that wasn’t a part of a BDSM relationship that she loves to be abused and that she’s contributing to the abuse of other women by staying with him? Why/why not?

3. Encourage these women to seek help for mental issues that they may have ESPECIALLY resolving trauma and building self-esteem and self-identity.

4. Encourage these women to seek friendships OUTSIDE of the BDSM community – a great example of why this is important is seen in the rise of DDLG bullshit on here and in BDSM circles.

These women are discouraged from talking to the opposite sex/forming friendships with them; they’re discouraged from socialising outside of the BDSM world because they take the attitude that “vanilla people just don’t get it and they think we’re perverted freaks.”

Try engaging with them in outside interests – are they an artist, inquisitive, interested in space or w/e? Talk to them about non kink related shit before you bring up why Doms are fucking horrible shitcunts.

Sub women are often socially isolated particularly if they’re more “committed” to living the lifestyle.

5. Set healthy boundaries with them – if you don’t wanna hear about how they can’t get off unless they have clothes pins on their clit, a ball gag in their mouth while their boyfriend whips them and calls them a filthy cum eating cunt, SAY SO POLITELY. See above – they’re socially isolated and often are discouraged from speaking their mind unless it’s enforcing a boundary (and even then, the kink community is rampant with doms who don’t care about their subs boundaries). If you’re out and their “owner” is hassling them, remind them that they are entitled to their own lives.

6. Be supportive, but don’t try and cover for the problems that arise in their life as a result of being in the BDSM scene/lifestyle. You need to be honest with them about the consequences of either the lifestyle (if you’ve been in it yourself,) or of stepping over your boundaries or social norms (think those dumb teenagers who walk their girlfriend in the shops on a leash.)

7. Be optimistic for them and make them see the glass half full, but remember at the end of the day, you can’t make their choices for them. Just like with the heroin addict who’s shooting up in the bathroom and hiding his baggies in your couch, all the love, light and education in the world is not gonna make a difference if they can’t get past their own cycle of negative and self-harming bullshit.

Obserwuj Urazsuckza

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