I’ve thought about writing something out about this for a while now.
I am constantly seeing pro-kink people defending BDSM with remarks such as – ”How is BDSM misogynistic when there are submissive men and dominant women?”
As someone who was deeply involved in the BDSM community, and who was more specifically, a domme who enacted that domination out solely on men, this is one of the most frustrating defences of BDSM.
First, let me state that just because, in any situation involving misogyny or oppression of any kind, there are instances that seem to go against the grain doesn’t make that a good argument. It also doesn’t make it free of the same critique.
I can tell you, firsthand, that it is especially true of BDSM.
I would also like to tell you guys that I am more specifically going to be talking about the verbal and emotional humiliation/degradation of this type of relationship, instead of the physical acts of violence. I am doing that because there seems to be this prevalent attitude that if the woman is a dominant and the man a submissive, that there is no way it could be a misogynistic act, when that is exactly the opposite of true.
General trigger warning for talk of BDSM from here on out.
As a female dominant, many of the acts that I was made to perform on men were acts of verbal degradation, humiliation, and emotional abuse. This included such things as verbal humiliation with words like bitch, slut, whore, and pussy. The desire to be dressed as a woman, to wear “girly” things, and then be made fun of. And I’ve even been told “just treat me like a girl”.
In fact, I never once encountered a situation where these kinds of things were not desired and asked of me.
Now, I’d think it would be plainly obvious to see the root of these desires, but if not let me just spell it out for you; the reason these men wanted to to be treated this way was because of their misogyny. Because the most humiliating thing they could imagine was being treated like a woman.
Misogyny and sex based oppression is at the root of all BDSM. The power disparities come from the idea that woman belongs on the bottom of the dynamic. If this were not the case, female specific slurs would not even be a factor, wearing underwear associated with being a woman wouldn’t be a humiliating act, and asking to be “treated like a girl” wouldn’t require abuse.
These acts of violence towards the female class, the misogyny, were things I was conditioned to ignore and feel numb to. Yes, the dominant in the situation was brainwashed into doing what was pleasing for the submissive, because the dominant in this case was socialized her entire life to cater to men. Even when she thought what she was doing was empowering.
I remember in the earlier stages of my dominance that I expressed explicit disinterest and discomfort with calling men gendered slurs to help them get off or dressing them up as a woman to make them feel degraded.
I was totally fine with the physical abuse of men, because I hated them, and if anyone out there doesn’t think that dominant men who act out physical violence on women don’t do it for the same reason you are sorely mistaken.
But at some point, after the constant reasoning and explanations that I’m really the empowered one, that it was all fantasy, that I needed to be more open, I accepted. After all, they were the ones on their knees right? I was clearly the empowered one, even if I had to treat them like a woman to do it. Even if I had to use the abuse and humiliation I had been subjected to my entire life.
For me, these words and hatred and humiliation, are a lived reality that I had literally no escape from. Not even in my private life, in a space where I was supposed to feel safe with someone who said they cared about me.
For them, it was a fun game to get their dicks hard to. Because once it was over, they were able to take off their costume and return to the role of man.
There is no argument for BDSM, and it especially cannot be made because of dom female/sub male roles. Misogyny is a requirement in all BDSM relationships, and I have yet to see any example where it doesn’t.
BDSM helps to continue to numb women to their subjugation, it helps to further men’s role as the dominant class, and it should never go without this critique.
Misogyny is misogyny, and no amount of orgasms will change that.
Hellborndaughter (found at For Survivors of Kink Abuse, original post no longer up)